i never tumble. but i’ve got a lot on my mind.
i feel lonely. i feel as though everyone that i used to be close with is drifting away. it could be my fault, or it could just be life. people grow up and move on. whichever it is, i don’t like it. i miss the way things used to be.
back in 2007 i used to be able to say i had a “close” group of friends. i can’t say that now. hell, i hardly hang out with anybody these days.
i have to admit that i have become sort of a hermit or a homebody. my parents moved away in august, and it’s not sitting well with me. i’m the biggest 21 year old baby that you’ll ever meet. i’m so attached to my parents and my family that on the weekends, instead of staying in town and making plans with friends i’ll find myself driving south on 89 headed toward my parent’s house.
something about my parents and their house makes me feel safe. my apartment isn’t my “home”. it’s empty and lonely. yes, i have haley. and if i didn’t have her i don’t know what i’d do, but this two bedroom apartment is just a place to stay until i can go “home” again.
i find myself happiest when i’m sitting in the living room by the fire playing cards with my dad and sisters while my mom is reading a magazine and drinking a glass of wine. it sounds stupid, and morbid, and neurotic and crazy even, but i always think about how they’re not going to be here forever and how i want to spend as much time with my family as i can. i love them more than anything in the world, and when they’re gone i know i won’t be able to brush it off as easily as the friends who walk in and out of my life.
however, i also know that if i continue to shut myself out from everyone else, i’ll continue to be lonely, and will most certainly be even lonelier in the long run. i just have a hard time seeing the good in people these days. everyone has changed over the years, myself included. and i feel like i can’t even be myself around anyone anymore. i feel like i’m constantly being judged or people are constantly talking about me behind my back and blah blah blah. it could be true, or i could just be overly paranoid. either way it just goes to show that i have zero faith and zero trust in anybody, which sometimes makes me feel as though i’m better off alone.
i hate to this say this because it sounds so stupid and cliche, but with no other way of explaining it, i’ve just been sad.
nothing is as easy as it was when i was younger. i miss my friends. i miss my past. and i’m scared for the future. i need to find the courage in me to let go, grow up, and take leaps. i need to find a way to shake this constant feeling of anxiety. i need stop feeling like i’m a disappointment and learn to love and appreciate myself.i’m letting myself coast through life.
i’m just lonely. and it’s my fault.